Updates

          It's been a few days since I have been on here. Nothing new is really going on. I got to talk to my amazing husband today, and he told me that he is doing great and moving to another FOB! This could mean better communication, or not. I'm not really sure. We also got our combat pay today finally! I feel like if you are going to take my husband away from me and more importantly his kids, than his pay better be fixed! I decided that I will probably go home August 1st. I am buying my plane ticket soon. I am kind of waiting for a little bit, because the two weeks before the flight, ticket prices drop, and then climb again about a week before the flight. So, when we get paid mid-month, I will be getting my ticket! I am really excited to go home. I mean, I like being in the states and what not, but I miss home, where my bed is, where my furniture is, and where my Jeep is! I just miss my stuff. I hate staying with other people and relying on them. This leave has been kind of stressful and I probably should of just stayed in Germany. But lesson learned and I won't be coming back here ever. I hate the drama and that is what my family is! I can't stand it. I love them to death, but I need that ocean between us. Another this is, I feel like the sooner I get home, the sooner I will see Brandon. I have to remind myself, that that isn't true. Brandon will be coming home in the next few months for R & R and I am so excited. It is also bitter sweet, because I know after just a short 14 days, I have to say good bye to him again. I think this time will be easier, and it will be the last time I'll have to also. Then about 6 months later, he will be home forever! I ain't ever going to have to say good bye again. A year is entirely too long! Fuck this damn deployment and fuck the Army. That is how I really feel. But I use to be a Soldier and I know why he does this, but right at this very second, I could give two shits and I want to be selfish and have my husband home with his family!
          Anyways. I have a ton of stuff to do before I leave the states. I have to mail a bunch of stuff home. I also have to buy new luggage and un-enroll in WIC. Yes, we get WIC. My husband may be in the Army, but pay is crap, and we qualify for WIC. Thank goodness for it too! We would spend almost $200 in formula a month alone! My sister also is having a reception because she got married back in February and didn't tell anyone, so she is celebrating it now. My niece's 1st birthday is in July too. But most importantly, my step son turns 9 years old on July 25, so I need to go shopping for his birthday presents ASAP to mail to him! I can't believe he is 9 years old. I have only known him since he was 7, but still, it amazes me, how time really does fly. I love and miss him so much too! I can't wait to have him living with us. I really feel like he is one of my own, so it has been really hard on me to have him so far away from us, plus Makenna needs her big brother around to protect her and to love her!
          I asked Brandon on the phone today if he was ready for another baby and he said we will discuss it at another time. But just like 5 minutes before that, he said soon enough, towards having another baby. He really confuses me and goes back and forth about wanting another baby. I think he does, I just think he wants to travel so much when he gets back from Afghanistan, and I think he feels that that won't happen if we have another baby. Another thing about my husband. He was so excited to have our daughter, but he was also nervous. He feels like he isn't the best Daddy because when he joined the Army he had to leave his son with his Son's mother and hardly gets to see him. But Brandon is an amazing father and whenever he gets leave from the Army, he goes and see's his son. He calls him whenever he can, and always brags about him. The first night I met him he told me he had a son because he didn't want to be with anyone that couldn't accept his son. I would be the same way though, if roles were reversed. You can't have me unless you want my children too. But ever since Brandon brought Chance into my life, I have loved him like my own! Chance is my son, whether I delivered him or not! I don't care what anyone else says!
          But that is what is going on in my world. I can't wait to get back home to my house and all my stuff and to start school again on August 22nd. Going home also means hitting the gym every day! I got more weight to lose, most is gone, but I want more gone! I love my family so much and I can't wait to have them all to myself again, and all together! (Picture of my family on the top of my blog screen!)

I want everyone to know.....

I write this blog as a hobby, and from an outsiders point of view, it may sound like I am kind of selfish. Let me clarify. I do not think my marriage is perfect, but we are in a happy marriage, so I am proud of that! I do not think that I am perfect, or anything close to it, but I am comfortable in my own skin, and I wish everyone could be as confident too. I do however, think that my kids are the cutest kids in the world! Of course I do, I would be a bad mom if I didn't think that! I love my gorgeous kids, and yes, I am biased, but ya'll think the same way about your kids, so you can relate! LOL! I make a lot of typing errors, and never proof read anything. I type it out and post it. I am not perfect, and I am not writing a novel, so I don't care. I use a lot of slang things too like LOL, LMFAO, BFF,etc. That will never change either. I am only 20 years old, and I write this how I talk. I don't want it to sound boring, and if I changed the way I wrote it, it would no longer be my life, it wouldn't be me at all. But I do, however, hope you guys enjoy this and if you don't I hope you do find someone else's life more enjoyable then! Thank you!

Moving on....

  Since I have started this blog, I have been back tracking to try and catch ya'll up on what has already happened since my husband deployed, a little over 2 months ago, and I am kind of tired of it. I haven't really done much since I have gotten to Michigan, but visit and fight with my mother. Needless to say, Brandon was so right about her and I am no longer staying with her. She is unbelievable and I can't even sum up how awfully she behaves!

          Moving on. My sister is marrying the worst person in the whole wide world tomorrow. Let me explain about both of my older sister's and how they that act like children. As soon as I got married July 15, 2010, it became a race to get married. My oldest sister was so upset and MAD that I got married first, that soon after, she decided to stop cheating on her boyfriend, the father of her two children, and try to work it out with him so that he would finally marry her. Then as soon as she got engaged, my middle sister ran off to the courthouse and got married without telling anyone! She didn't tell my parents, or any of her friends, except one, because she needed a witness to sign the marriage certificate! Pathetic! She didn't want to be the last one married! Marriage wasn't in my sisters' head at all until their baby sister decided to get married! I think what frustrates me the most, is the fact that they got knocked up by these people that are not good people. (details to come) And they are miserable in both of their relationships and they want everyone to feel bad for them because their relationships suck! I feel like, if you’re not happy in your life, change it. I don't care how hard it is, life isn't about taking the easy rode all the time! So since I have a really good marriage, not to sound conceited, because my married is not close to perfect, but it works, they want to treat me like crap and want me to feel sorry for them! I don't feel sorry for myself, so I am definitely not going to feel sorry for someone else who refuses to do anything about it! Moving on. 

          Let me tell you about how the sisters' choice in men suck! First off, lets talk about my oldest sisters thingy. The first day I met him he checked me out in front of my sister and said this: "You and your sister have the same legs, nice!" Exactly like that. But he looks like a pedophile too! He had done many wonderful things since that first incident. Attacked her when she was pregnant, cheated on her, (but in all fairness, she has cheated just as much) ran my mom over with a car on purpose, and the list goes on and on. So, since I have only just named a feel, you can now come to your own opinion about him. Now, my middle sisters thing. He isn't a bad person. They equally cheat on each other all the time. The biggest problem with them is that they don't belong together and if they didn't have any kids, they wouldn't be together. Also when they fight they both say the meanest, cruelest things you could say to one another. They don't trust each other at all. IE: They want to go to a gym and workout but they both won't let each other go to a gym unless boys and girls have separate days. There is like one gym in the area that does girls on Sunday, Tuesdays, and Thursdays and boys on the other days! YEAH! GAY!!! Brandon is a team leader and when he was training he would have to sleep next to another woman every night in the field. Did it bother me? NO!!!!! I trust Brandon completely and I feel that if you can't trust someone, what kind of relationship is that? It's not! It's misery! I couldn't and wouldn't live like that ever! PERIOD! I don't care if I had to start all over again, I would! 

          Now let me describe my sisters. I love them to death, but they are the most selfish people I have ever met! Ask anyone who knows them and me, they tell me all the time that I am the complete opposite of them and thank goodness for that! If your not doing something for them then they don't want nothing to do with you and they will use their kids against you. They say they don't, but they do! And since now they don't talk to each other, they spend their days, trying to get me to choose my favorite, and facebook stalking each other and wondering what each of them are doing. I know they miss each other! They were like BFF's growing up, and now they don't talk for some reason, that both of them can't even remember, but they both won't strap on their big girl panties and talk it out! All in all, my family is drama and I am so glad to not live near them! Sometimes the 7,000 miles and and entire ocean apart, isn't enough distance when it comes to dealing with them! I'm getting heated just talking about them! 

          So, you may be wondering why I am going to the wedding tomorrow. I am going because I should. I should be the bigger person and just go and just deal with it, and that is exactly what I am doing. Even though my oldest sister is mad at me because I won't pay for her stupid cake! I will go, and take my daughter, and look amazing in this dress I bought! My oldest sisters dress looks like a prom dress! I'm not lying! But it's her wedding and her style so who cares! I'm not in the wedding anyways! She never even asked, and I'm not mad, I'm hurt! I've always been there, dealt with her stupidity, selfishness, and nonsense, but I didn't even come to mind with her wedding except to pay for her cake, which I'm not! And since she is such a nice woman (sarcasm) I bought her an amazing wedding card. It says "Congratulations" on the front and on the inside it says "How wonderful for you!" and then I signed it saying "-The Hetherton's" Yes, it's kind of mean and impersonal, but I couldn't find a card that says "Congratulations, you married a jackass, may your life continue to be miserable!" Hallmark must have been all out of those cards. 

         But on a better note, Brandon facebook messaged me and said this and I quote: "Im soo lucky to have you as my wife! I love you sooooooo much!!!" I really wanted to cry! I got the message when I was in the dressing room trying on new bra's so I wasn't at home to be able to chat with him for a second, but he says he is going to try to call tomorrow. He is moving to another post, a bigger one, for a few months to do some training! It may or may not mean I get to talk to him more, but we'll see, I guess! 

Me after I lost about 8 pounds, lost 5 more since!

           I had to go buy new bra's today! This is kind of personal, but I am so excited! I have lost 13 pounds since Brandon has left. This is good for me! I wanted to lose 20 pounds by time he gets back in a year, so I am almost there already, so maybe I can lose more! I am tall and not skinny but not fat at the same time, I am medium sized. So if I lose 20 pounds then I will be okay. But since I lost that weight, I lost my boobs too! The good things are always the first to go! There's a picture of me at about 8 pounds down, but I've lost 13 pounds total now! I can't wait to get back to Germany though and hit the gym and tighten up a little bit more, and the I will be completely happy. I don't expect to be a size 2, I never was, so I don't want to be. I am smaller now than I was before I got pregnant, so I think I am doing well! 

          But enough of my weight loss, I am tired and need to go to bed now. Tomorrow is going to be a dreaded day and I am not looking forward to it at all! I just hope she stays away from me so I don’t blow up at her at her own wedding! She’d deserve it too! I think what makes me the maddest about my family is, they get me to stoop to their level of stupidity and childish behavior! After I leave Michigan, I’m not coming back!

Traveling 101

          So it's May **th, my travel day! I didn't get any sleep the night before. When I say I didn't get any, I really didn't! I laid down for hours, but got no where. So, when i finally decided, that laying there is lame, I got all my packed bags into my rental car. First rule to traveling: attempt to pack light!
          My attempt to pack light, FAILED! I ended up traveling with 2 suit case, 1 huge duffle bag, one carry-on, a stroller, and a car seat! FML! That's a lot by myself! Moving forward. I packed all that crap into my rental car. In my defense though, I was planning on staying for a month or 2 and with a baby, if I did not travel with all her clothes, who knows if they would fit her when I got back to Germany, so I packed it all. Then I got Makenna around and she pooped up the back of her PJ's! Of course! I couldn't leave them there, and had no time to wash them, so I changed her, rinsed out the dirty PJ's and put them in a plastic grocery bag, and packed them with me. Luckily the bag helped with the odor! Then I did last minute checks around the house, and loaded Kenna in the car, and we hit the road. It takes about 2 hours to get to the airport. That drive kind of sucked, but Makenna slept pretty much the entire time to the airport. Finally made it to the Frankfurt Airport. I dropped my rental car off in the parking garage and had to load everything onto one of those airport luggage carts, and Makenna in her infant car seat, and push the thing down a very long hallway, up to the second floor, and down another hall to the ticket counter. Once I made it there I got to check my bags and then I only had the stroller and my carry on bag, which was not too bad. I got to where my gate was, waited for security to open, went through it and then sat at the gate, waiting to board. I played with my phone, and fed Makenna. She was being so good! Then we boarded and we sat in our seat. I don't pay for her to have a seat of her own. That would cost me almost as much as an adult ticket, so I just have her sit on my lap. They have the bassinet seats at the bulk head of the plane and a bassinet hooks in front of you on the wall part. Kenna is too heavy for it to be on the wall, but I sat it on the floor, and we were okay.
            Rule 2 on traveling: Always have someone with you.
           I couldn't have anyone with me but I sat next to this amazing woman and she was so helpful. She was an American who was in Germany for a conference. She works for the Army and handles transportation, so it was cool to have her next to me and Kenna loved her. She would get things out of my diaper bag, hold Kenna for a second so I could get stood up and stuff out to change Kenna's diaper. It was so nice to have her there. I can't for the life of me remember her name though and that's horrible because she was so nice. She has 2 kids of her own, one boy and one girl, and so she understood what it felt like to need help. She made that 9 hour flight over the ocean so much easier! I am so thankful for her!
          I got off in Philadelphia, PA and had to go through another headache! I had to go pick up all my luggage, to see that one of my bags had busted open, go through customs, and then through immigration. Then I had to recheck my bags and tape the busted suit case so it would last me until I got to Detroit. Then when I got to the gate I boarded the plane for another 2 hour flight to Detroit, Michigan. That plane ride was quick and easy. Got off and met my parents and got my luggage. Makenna was scared. She was already going through a tough time traveling and what not, so she was kind of stand-off-ish. But then we got into the car and drove for another 2 hours to my parents house, stopped for food at McDonald's on the way.
          I got to my parents house at 7pm and about 2 hours later, we got our first visitors, but Makenna was already in bed.
         Rule 3: Don't let your kids sleep while traveling!
         Sounds crazy, I know! But since Makenna hardly ever slept while we were traveling, she went to bed at 830pm Michigan time, and was already adjusted to the time change. That made life easier in the end!
          So I guess the traveling wasn't too bad, and my trip was okay. I had no delays or anything, so I guess I can't complain. I just hope the trip home, will be just as nice. We'll see!

The Decision to Travel

Kenna baby's day of swimming

          So, it was almost 90 degrees in Michigan today, so after having a not so good day, then having it turned around when Brandon called me, I took Kenna baby swimming! We had so much fun and it wore her out! She napped for over 2 hours! Gave me time to enjoy a nice long relaxing shower! Being a Mommy, I've realized that a shower is now a luxury, especially when it is undisturbed! 


        So, moving on. On day 8 of Brandon's deployment I decided that I wanted to go on vacation back to where I came from in Michigan so my friends and family could finally meet Makenna Sue. I was apprehensive about going though. Nobody was really understanding how hard it was going to be to travel from start to finish 22 hours with a baby by myself. Another issue is, I would be staying at my mother's house. We don't get a long. Everything is her way, no highway option, kind of deal. It's bad. We have never gotten along and I don't agree with how she does anything. She is very rude and cynical too, and very heart-less. I am not exaggerating either. Yeah, she really is that lovely. LOL! But anyways, I decided to go back to Michigan, on day 17 of the deployment. I told Brandon about it as soon as he called and he was very apprehensive also because he doesn't like the way my mother treats me either. But I assured him, that it will be okay. My mother loves the grand kids, just hates me, and loves my sisters. It's not fair, but its life, so I'm over it, because she will never change. 
           So anyways, I was going back to Michigan and really excited so I spent the day 8-16 preparing for the long trip to spend a good portion of the summer in Michigan. I scrubbed the house, and arranged for a friend of mine to stay in the house too. She is a Soldier, I use to work with her when I was in the Army, and she lives in the barracks, so I am pretty sure to have space to herself for once. So she was staying in my house, so I know I had nothing to worry about thankfully! 
          So the days before Makenna and I's vacation couldn't come fast enough. Brandon was finally actually getting where he will be for the deployment. I really hate mobilization. He goes to 2 or 3 different places and it took over 2 weeks for him to finally get to where he is currently at in Afghanistan. He called me the Wednesday before I left, I flew out on a Friday, and he too was moving on Friday, but to his final destination! A sigh of relief was given because as much as I don't want him where he is at, he can finally settle in and not being moving and carrying all his bags and gear around from place to place. It also meant that I could start really sending him things and he could get them. I mailed 2 care packages before he actually got to his final destination so that when he did, he would be the first to receive a package. Other wives probably might of done the same thing, but I didn't care, my hubster deserves something new ASAP!          
          Minor back story. Brandon's 1st deployment, he couldn't wait to go. His wife at the time, was a liar and a cheater, so he wanted away from her. It's pretty sad when you have to go to war to escape a horrible relationship. Needless to say, the cheating and lying continued and he ended up divorcing her as soon as he got home after almost 16 months in Afghanistan. It really makes me sick to my stomach what people do to other people. If your husband is in Afghanistan, fighting for his country, then he shouldn't have to worry about who his wife is sleeping with this week. GROSS!!!! She's obviously out of the picture now! 
          As travel time was coming closer, so was the anxiety. I hate traveling. I get nervous something is going to go wrong or something is going to happen. This was also my first time traveling with Makenna without Brandon. She did so well when we went to Nevada in March, but she is getting bigger and more mobile now, so I was nervous! But at least I got the house squared away, and so ready for Michigan. 
          Another reason for going back to Michigan, was the distraction. I was still crying every day and throwing up a lot, so I needed something to keep me busy, I needed a distraction. I could of been fine, had I not gone back to Michigan, but it is always nice to get away and I hate it in Germany. It's the worse place ever to be stationed. It's nice for traveling, but not for every day living, especially on a rinky dinky post like the one I lived by! One good thing that I kept imagining was, "Shopping, here I come!"

The Day We Met

 <<<<<<<(Kenna in her floaty)     

       

              Brandon has been gone for almost 2 weeks now and it's Mother's Day. I took Makenna to the public indoor swimming pool so she could us the floaty that we got her for Easter. It was my first Mother's Day and I wished I could of had my husband there to celebrate with us. I had Makenna and she and I had a very special day together, just the two of us, and I will never forget. It was perfect even though I missed Brandon so much!   

              Let me tell you about the day I met Brandon Michael Hetherton. He lived across the hall from me in the barracks. He always tried to see who the new Soldier was, because I had just arrived to the unit, that week. But I didn’t know anyone. So, I would go from the bathroom, to my room, close the door, and sit there with myself. Yeah, I was kind of a loser. But in my defense, everyone was working and not really introducing themselves to me quite yet. But this really strange girl lived across the hall from me too, next to Brandon, and she started talking to me on a Friday night, November 13, 2009. She asked me if I wanted to go to the bar, because even though I was only 19 at the time, 18 was the legal drinking age in Germany. So I agreed to come along so I could at least meet some people so I would be less of a loser. So she was like “Let me go ask CPL Hetherton, since we are all hanging out with him.” Then I thought, “Oh, ok, that’s cool, who is this guy?” Then she introduced us. He and about 4 other guys were in his room playing guitar hero or rock band. They’re the same in my eyes. He said hey and started asking me where I’m from and stuff and asking me why I was so shy. Now as PFC (private first class) in the Army, I would need to stand at parade rest, and say corporal at the end of everything I say to him, so people like that, higher ranking, I tended to avoid. But I didn’t tell him that. I said “I don’t know.”

               Then we continued to talk. He was just being nice; I don’t think he was flirting at this point. Then the same girl that had introduced us apparently had a big crush on him, even though she was married at the time, and was feeding me all these lies about how they were together, but keeping it a secret and what not. So, me being knew, and not really knowing any better, went along with it and kind of stayed away from CPL Hetherton, which was really hard.   

(Brandon's Amazing Eyes!)

               I remember thinking how cute he was. He was 6’4’’ <and about 210 pounds, so amazing! He has these dreamy eyes <too. That’s an old school way of describing them, but they are so <bright and beautiful and big! That was really the first thing I <noticed on top of having these long eye lashes that any woman, including myself, could be jealous of!  One thing that was a turn off though, was his clothes! He had the worst taste in style ever! I am not saying I am the most stylish person in the world, but I like to say I dress nicely, when I’m not lounging around house in sexy sweats, and over sized t-shirts, with my hair slicked back into a bun on top of my head! But at this point, Brandon didn’t know that, he only seen the girl that was dressing to impress! Anyways, back to his terrible clothes! He had on a black t-shirt, plain, which would have been fine had it actually fit him. Brandon is not a fat, or even that chubby of a guy. He was very tall and he wasn’t super skinny, but he wasn’t that chubby either, (hard to explain) but he was wearing a shirt that was WAY too small for him. I remember exactly what he said when he put on the shirt and asked everyone in the room if he looked all right, he said he liked the shirt because “it makes my muscles look big”. Which was a lye by the way, it just looked too small, but what do I know, he just met me so I wasn’t about to tell him he looked ridiculous. Even better than the shirt was his pants, the blue jean pants with bright orange dragons on the sides of them! Hideous! They are uglier than I could ever describe in words! He also wore these black steel toe boots, which again, would not have been bad; except they looked older than me! He really needed new ones, and to this day, a year and 7 months later, he still has these worn out boots! But I complain when he wears them, so he said last winter will be the last winter he will wear them and he will break down and buy a new pair! Thank goodness!!!

               So after pre-gaming (drinking at the barracks first) we went to the bar. The first bar we went to was called the Gazebos. It was a pretty chill bar, with a pool table and a lot of Americans go to this bar, so it wasn’t like I was going to go to a place where the only language you heard was German. We got a table and all sat down. I sat next to Brandon and he continued to talk to me. The girl that introduced us, and had a big crush on him, sat next to me. She kept pulling me aside saying she wanted to sit next to him, but every time I tried to let her, he moved away and closer to me. He was flirting at this point, and I was WAY flirting back! I don’t really remember what exact topics we were discussing, but we were getting to know each other pretty well. He also told me that he had a son that was, at the time, 7 years old.

                                                                                    (Brandon with his son, Chance!)

               I knew he had son because from the girl that introduced us, Sam, she told me. I don’t mind dating someone with a kid. These days, who doesn’t have children from past relationships, and Brandon was 25 years old too, so he was a little bit older, so it’s kind of expected almost.

               I told him that it’s pretty cool, and then we moved on to a new topic. One thing I learned watching many many movies, is that you don’t really want to tell your new prospective person you love kids because that might scare them away. So I didn’t tell him, but I do love children and I always had. I’ve been babysitting and loving on my nephews since before I could even remember. So needless to say, it didn’t bother me.

(Shortly after we started dating)

               So back to Gazebos. After getting tired of being there and tired of Sam, some of us ditched her and went to the Irish Pub. Now that was a busy kind of bar. It was wall to wall packed! It was hard to breathe in there. Mr. Sly Guy Brandon thought he was “protecting” me from other guys touching me, and grabbed my waist and kind of held me against him a little bit, not tight, but enough to know he wanted me there.  We left that place because there were no tables or even chairs at the bar available, and decided to go back to the barracks on post. Till this day, I can’t remember the movie we were going to watch, but if you ask Brandon he knows. I ask   and ask all the time, but I always forget. I’ll ask the next time he calls.  

The Sock Fight!

Day 7- 12:

               So I spent the next 6 days remembering the wonderful time we had together and of course the not so wonderful times too. Like when we would fight over the stupidest things ever!  For instance, I got so mad at Brandon over a sock! Yes, a sock! Now you’re probably thinking that I must be an anal bitch if I am going to be upset about a sock, but listen. I have this amazing laundry organizer for dirty clothes. It has three different mesh bags to hold laundry, a white bag for whites, a light blue bag for lights, and a dark blue back for darks. It’s super easy to follow. My amazing husband, since the beginning of our relationship thinks it’s ok to throw dirty laundry NEXT to the hamper and never it. I was pregnant at the time, about 8 months along, so that might of contributed to my outburst, but I went off. I just started yelling all sorts of business about him being lazy and stuff, which can be true, but for the most part, he really isn’t. I think another thing is that when the house isn’t perfect, which I try to keep it that way, he will say something to me. I no longer work. I had just gotten out of the Army less than a month back, so we are on agreeance that the house work is generally mine, and he helps when he is home. Totally fair! So when I was yelling at him I, not so kindly, reminded him that it was NOT fair to need me to do all the f***ing house work if he can’t even pick up a d**n sock and put it in the basket. I also went into grave details about how hard it was to pick things up when you feel like you’re pregnant with a sumo wrestler! Then after out 10 minute (if that) argument, all was good and he felt horrible for being inconsiderate about how I was feeling. Yes, a sock is minor, but like I said, when you’re pregnant, a sock is major!

               I started adding more pictures to my Facebook album “365 things I love/miss about my brave husband”. Some of Daddy/Daughter cuddle time, which is so sticken cute! Our daughter, Makenna Sue, is such a Daddy’s girl! They cuddle, give each other kisses, and play video games together. Yes, she is a baby, but she has a controller! Then I found a picture of Makenna with the biggest smile on her face. She looks so much like her Daddy, and her smile is her Daddy’s smile.

               Here’s a little back story. I take a picture of my daughter almost every day. I do not want my friends and family to miss out on her growing, and since we are stationed in Germany, most of the family hasn’t even met her yet. I continue to do so, so Daddy doesn’t miss anything either!

               I also found a picture of myself helping Brandon carry his gear to the car because he was leaving for the field. I was wearing his IBA, assault pack, and carrying his cold weather top in my hand, over my black trench coat style coat. Yes, I looked silly, and yes, he took this picture with his cell phone while he was pooping on the toilet! (Picture below) That’s the kind of love we have! 

               After looking through the millions of pictures I take I started to cry, uncontrollably. It may seem like I haven’t cried from this point on, but I’ve cried everyday and I might start crying now, as I am typing this. I also have thrown up every day and not eating really, not because I can’t, I’m just not hungry. I also am losing weight. Not like 50 pounds or anything, which would be nice, but a couple pounds a week. I mean, I guess if it’s only that, I have nothing to worry about, right?

        

The Sewing Project

 So it’s been a couple days since I began writing this journal, so let’s begin again.

               Brandon has been gone for exactly 47 days! Sometimes I think, “wow, 47 days gone already” but then reality sinks in and I then think “well this sucks, only 47 days gone, and roughly 318 days left!” That’s the pessimistic side of me showing through and that makes me miss my always confident, always optimistic husband!   Now let us get back on track.

               Day 5. When my hubster and I were waiting to get our tax return, we made a list of things we wanted. We got new furniture in the living room and bedroom, other household items, and to just plain spoil ourselves a little bit because money is tight most of the time. Anyways, we agreed on getting me a sewing machine, so I can pick up a new hobby. I know how to sew, I use to watch my aunt sew, and then I took a sewing class in high school where I made, a purse, a wallet, and a quilt. So on day 5 I decided to make Makenna, our daughter, and a one piece outfit out of Daddy’s and mine old ACU’s. It was a cute overall outfit too. I used daisy buttons for the overalls to make it a bit more girly. I started that project that day, after cleaning around the house finally. I let the house go the last couple weeks my husband was home because I wanted to spend every waking moment and sleeping moment with him! Then after he left, I just was so depressed, I couldn’t clean. I wanted too, but I just couldn’t for some reason. But day 5 came around and I needed to get it done!! So I did and the house looked fabulous! I even hung up pictures on the walls. The day the high chair came in the mail, was also the day a huge package we had mailed ourselves when we went on leave to Reno, Nevada. It had all of our daughter’s summer clothes, picture frames, salt and pepper shakers, and more. I was able to hang up our family pictures now that the frames came finally!  Now our living room is 99% done! 

               On day 6 I finished the ACU outfit for Makenna and she looked so cute in it! I even put the Velcro strip in the center of the overalls, so I could change out the US ARMY name tape, and the HETHERTON name tape! I was so proud of myself too! It was so nice to give Makenna something that was strictly all about her Daddy and not anyone else! That day I went back to class too. I was going to my college math class every Mondays and Wednesdays for about 3 hours, and after Brandon left, I skipped out for a class session, then another one was cancelled, but I needed to go back so I didn’t get marked down for missing class. It was super hard to go back to school because so many people had questions and they were saying how sorry they were, and I just wanted to scream and tell them to shut up! This is what was going through my mind, “I don’t want your pity, I just want my husband home!” But I put on my big girl panties and sucked it up! I guess the saying “suck it up and drive on” really plays a role at this point. Makenna went to a really good friend of mine’s house, as she does most of the nights I went to school, and she was fussy the whole time. Nobody understood that my 6 month old baby was missing her dad too!! She knew he was gone. She was upset! She had just learned how to say Daddy and her Daddy was her best friend! She was a big Daddy’s girl! I just wished that people understood that she knew what was going on and she didn’t like it at all! She wasn’t just feeling what I was feeling , that may have been part of it, but she was also having her own feelings too! If you don’t believe me, just stop reading from this point on! For those who do, thank you for understanding, it means a lot!

The Next 4 Days to Follow

The next day sucked and dragged! I wanted to know how he was doing and where he was. Did he leave Ramstein Air base yet. Does he miss me as much as he does our kids? Can I get through this entire year alone? These are all thoughts I had and still have now.

               I found out on April **, at about 1130 am from some spouse in a stupid Facebook group that was created by the re-detachment commander, that the guys left Ramstein and were in the air.

              There is one thing you have to understand about me. I have nothing against Army wives except a large portion of them that are nothing but lying, cheating, drama starting, hating, GOSSIPING, stupid human beings that populate the post I currently live on. I do try to avoid them and any FRG function possible! Sorry if I offend you, but it's not all of them, it's just like 96, maybe 97% of them I hate.

              Then he called me on April ** at about 4 am (Germany time) to tell me he was in Kyrgyzstan, 2 countries north of Afghanistan. It was so amazing he hear from him. I remember my emotions doing back flips in my head! Yes, that is possible! He said it was okayThat he was tired from flying. He was living in a big giant room that had wall to wall bunk beds in it. He was there for about 2 weeks. They were just doing stupid classes that they made them do while they were home, which kept them away from home for about 2 weeks ever 2 weeks. I think that it’s pretty retarded by the way. If they have to take the stupid classes while they are there, then what is the point of them being away from home their last few months they are home? No point! But that’s the Army for you! I have learned through being in the Army and then being a spouse, that if it’s half backwards, the Army is doing it! No offense to Soldiers out there. I have total respect for you! It’s not your fault, but ya’ll know what I’m talking about.

               Day three came along and I decided to start a picture album on Facebook labeled “365 things I love/Miss about My Brave Husband”. That was also the day that Makenna’s high chair and pack n’ play finally came in the mail.
               Being in Germany sucks! I live on a rinky dinky post that has nothing at the PX. I have to order things off the internet, but some stuff they won’t even ship to me! For example: I wanted a nice white nursery set for our daughter. The PX only had cheap looking, not actually cheap though, white crap they call nursery furniture, but I don’t like crap for my Princess. So eventually I settled for this dark wood set, that is gorgeous but not what I wanted. I couldn’t get the swing or bouncer I wanted either because nobody would ship it to me. But they ship a pack and play and high chair. Doesn’t make sense to me either!

               Anyways, after waiting over a month for Makenna’s stuff to come in the mail, it finally came. If you are stationed overseas and you order from Wal-Mart, expect it to take months to get there! Other places aren’t like that but sadly, my favorite store, Wal-Mart, is! They should really work on that. The pack n’ play was easy to put together. It was pretty much together so I just had to take it out of the box and put the mobile on it. It came with a net thing to make the bottom of it higher and a thing that attaches, to be like a changing table, but since Makenna was already 6 months old, I didn’t need that stuff. Her high chair on the other hand, was a B.I.T.C.H! It was super cute though. It was the “Precious Planet” rainforest themed. So was the pack n play. It had bright turquoise, lime greens, hot pinks, and gorgeous purples and blues in it. It was perfect. I am doing her nursery in the same type of rainforest theme, with tons of bright colors. It’s a work in progress, because decorating is expensive, and well the Military doesn’t pay crap! Moving on, the high chair was not fun to put together at all, and it made me wish Brandon was there to put it together. He put together her crib, dresser, changing table, our entertainment center, 2 shelves, and many other things in our apartment. That is his “job”. I clean 99.9% of the house and he gets to read annoying directions and put things together. He doesn’t mind doing it though, so who would I be to take that joy away from him. LOL!

               I got it together, really without a problem, it was still a 2 person job, and I had to do it by myself. But Makenna loved it! She looked so cute sitting in it, eating her little puff snacks and smiling and laughing away. So that definitely made it worth it. Makenna and I was still house ridden though. I wasn’t ready to leave the house, mainly because, I knew I was coming back to an empty one. That thought alone was depressing. But I made it through the day. I was also putting off doing my homework. 
               I am a full time college student studying to be a teacher, and I just was not in the mood to do anything for school, and that isn’t me at all. I love school and I love being a college student. It makes me feel good that I will amount to being more than a house wife, in just a couple of years. That sounds bad, because I love being a wife, and I really love being a Mommy to our Princess, but I feel like I don’t contribute enough to my family. My “job” is to take care of the house and kids, to remember family birthdays, doctors appointments, and how many poopy diapers Kenna (Makenna) has gone through that day. Sounds gross, but to all the mother’s out there, ya’ll know that it’s important. But since I don’t contribute financially like I did when I was pregnant and in the Army, I feel like I don’t do enough sometimes. Brandon tells me that my job is way harder than his, and he really appreciate me and everything I do, but it’s just how I feel and I’m not sure why. It may be because I have always worked. I baby sat and did odd jobs until I was 16 and got a real job on top of babysitting and odd jobs. Then I joined the Army when I was 17 and a junior in high school and spent my summer vacation at basic training, then the next summer at AIT becoming an MP, then off to Germany to my first duty station. I guess my life just changed and it was different from what I was use to. I really hate relying on my husband, but he tells me that he relies on me to keep the house up and balance the checkbook, and raise our daughter. So to many people, I guess our jobs are pretty equal, but I still feel like I don’t do enough sometimes. I really just got to get over that, and maybe someday I will.

               Day 4 was so much better. The Ansbach community yard sales were going on. And I love me some yard sales. So Kenna and I got out of the house, on a gorgeous sunny day, drove to post and perused some yard sales. They didn’t have much that I needed at all. They had tons of toys that were either way to young for Kenna or way too old for her. However, I did find a giant leave! Sounds weird, so let me explain. Since Makenna’s room is rainforest themed, I found this giant leave that is like 3 feet long and 2 feet wide, with like a 3 foot long stem. You take the stem and screw that part into the wall and the leave part dangles over. It’s super cute! I want to put it above her crib so it makes it like a canopy, but I need to go buy the brackets for it. I still haven’t done it yet, but I will at the end of the summer. I also did some re-organizing in her room and hung up this new storage thing on the wall. It holds these cube shaped storage bins. It’s pretty cool, and I was able to hide her extra bottles of lotions, and soaps. We then finished the day out on the balcony and in the house watching cartoon movies! I don’t like a lot of TV time for her, but I was still having a rough time adjusting to him being gone! Another problem I was having, was throwing up every day, multiple times of the day too. I wasn’t eating and I was losing weight like champ, but in the worst way possible! I hate throwing up! I spent an entire 9 months throwing up when I was pregnant and it was back again. But it was the stress and anxiety taking over! But I guess, since I was losing some weight, I couldn’t complain really. At this point I was still crying myself to sleep every night and sleeping with the TV on. It made me feel safer and less alone. Its pretty cliché, but I like my big strong man there to protect us. I am strong and I can handle my own, but it’s still a comfort thing. Somebody out there has to feel the same way, right? RIGHT!

              

The Day He Left

(I'm not writing the actual day he left.)

              I wanted to start this journal the day my husband left for Afghanistan, but I couldn’t. I really wanted to and even now it’s hard to start it and he has been gone for 45 days. I think I put off starting this journal because, well, I didn’t really want to believe that the love of my life will be gone for an entire year! That’s a long time. Some may say a year is nothing, but when your 20 years old, a year is forever!

               Looking back to the day he left makes me cry as I am writing about it. We spent the entire day lying in bed, watching House, one of our favorite series we decided to start watching just a few weeks before. We finished season 1 and we were working on season 2, but we were only a few episodes in. I remember joking around with Brandon saying that whatever was wrong with the patients on the show was either auto-immune deficiency or Staph infection. But miraculously, it was always some rare disease or disorder, that would take the entire episode to figure out. Anyways, let’s get back on track.

               It was*******(cannot post date due to security), 2011. Brandon, our then 6 month old daughter, Makenna Sue, and I spent the day in our king size double pillow top of heaven of a bed, watching one of our favorite shows and spending family time together. It was so nice. It took everything in me not to cry, and sometimes the battle of emotions I was fighting to hide, won out. Brandon would sit there and console me and tell me a year isn’t anything. He would then tell me “Remember almost an entire year ago we were on vacation in Spain having the time of our life?” I would start remembering that fantastic Memorial Day weekend, May 2010, when we went to Spain with good friends of ours. After 18 hours on a bus there, and 20 hours on a bus, home, swelled feet, and miserably pregnant, that was the most memorable vacation ever, and I will never forget that 4 day weekend!

               So I am wondering again. At 0000 (midnight) Brandon had to report to the platoon office with us waiting for the bus to arrive and take him to Ramstein Air Base, about 4 hours away, too take him to Afghanistan, away from me and away from our daughter. Now this isn’t Brandon’s first deployment. He was deployed before in 2008 for almost 16 months! I didn’t even know him back then. Gosh, in March 2008, when he left, I was finishing my junior year of high school. Brandon was unhappily married to another woman and we were on complete opposite ends of the globe. I was in Michigan and he was in Germany, where we are now.

               It is just crazy to think that when I was finishing my junior year of high school and heading off to basic training for the Army myself in June, my future husband was in Afghanistan.

               Back to the day he left. We sat around in the platoon office with all the other soldiers in my husband’s platoon, and their wives and children. Just imagine being in the saddest room, where all everyone wanted to do was cry, but nobody did, and everyone was super fake trying to where their brave face! That was me too. I was the biggest fake up there, smiling, when inside I was frowning and crying. At about 0200(2 am) Brandon’s platoon Sergeant, Sergeant First Class type, kicked all the spouses and children out. He wanted everyone to leave before the bus came, so it would be easier to get the soldiers on the bus. I understand now looking back, why he did that, but that night, I was calling him every bad name in the book! The only thing that crossed my mind was “How f***ing dare you, you get him for an entire year, give us our last hours together!” and many more thoughts with many more horrible words. The Brandon carried Makenna to our car in her infant car seat, said his good byes to her, even though she had fallen asleep, and Daddy woke her to say good bye. They we held each other and I cried like a baby and I know Brandon was just being strong in front of me because it would probably make it worse if he cried too.

               He had cried just a few days before because our daughter was only 6 months old and he wasn’t going to be able to hold her, or cuddle her, or play video games with her. Makenna usually watched, but it was still bonding. Makenna is a big Daddy’s girl. He was also very upset about his son. Brandon has an 8 year old son that lives in Nevada. His son, Chance, isn’t from his ex-wife, but a high school fling. My husband was “16 and pregnant”. When he joined the Army in 2006, when Chance was 4 years old, he had to move away from him to Germany, and he’s been there ever since. He sees his son about every 6 months, and it breaks his heart being away from his son every day! Brandon loves his son and daughter with all of his heart. He is such an amazing father! I couldn’t ask for a better husband and father to our kids.

               When I had to say “see you later”, never “good-bye”, he made me promise him that I wouldn’t cry and drive. It was already the middle of the night, and crying while driving is way dangerous, so I made that promise. And I was so proud of myself for keeping it! Thankfully, we only live a 5 minute drive away. As soon as the ignition cut out, I cried like the biggest baby ever! I had to then carry Makenna up the stairs, who was awake from Daddy saying his “see ya soon Munkee” to her. She ended up staying awake until well after 4 am. But her being awake, made me stop crying and hold it together. We returned to the same king size double pillow top of heaven, bed, just a little more empty, to watch House again until she fell asleep. Then I fell asleep too. Makenna slept with me that night and that made me feel so much better. I couldn’t stand having her out of my sight for a single second! She is a Brandon Jr. in the way she looks and the way she acts, so she really helped me get through the first few hours being the gorgeous happy, smiling baby she always is.