About Me:

          Their are many aspects of my life that nobody really knows about, some things that happened after I left my home town, at the age of 16, and moved to the Detroit area. These things still haunt me and bother me, and makes the things in my daily life, even harder to deal with. Most things I have never even told my husband. It's not that I'm keeping secrets from him, its just something that I don't want to talk about. It clouds my brain enough, does it really need to cloud my mouth too? But then sometimes it does seem like I am keeping it a secret from him, so I will tell him on R&R. He will not be mad, he'll be very understanding actually. That's what I love about him! That's all I have to say about that, now lets move on!
     
          More details about me. I grew up in the middle of no where, where I just was never meant to live. The country life is ok, but it's not how I want to live, and I'm not. Though I have enjoyed many activities that come with living in the country, ie: snowmobiling, 4-wheeling, muddin', etc. its not how I want to continue to live and I've known this since I was like 14 years old. When I moved to the Detroit area when I was 16, and truly got the feeling of what it felt like to struggle, and work my ass off just to survive, I learned that the inner city isn't for me either. I want to live in the suburbs. I want to live where their is stuff going on, and I don't have to drive an hour to get to it, like you do in the country, and I don't always want to be in the center of the action, like in the city. I definitely don't want to be back in the inner city ever again! Not worth anything to me! I hated it there, and it'll be a cold day in hell before I ever go back there!

          My mother kicked me out when I was 16 years old, for no reason. I'm not saying that for nothing, she really just up and decided one day she was done taking care of me, so I had to go. Lived with a friend for a while, but that really didn't work out. I was on my own, pretty much, and it was not fun! But I stayed in school, kept my grades up, and graduated to a better life!

          I joined the Army on September 11, 2007, initially as a reservist then went to basic training in June 2008, graduated, then returned to high school for my senior year, at the same time I chose to go active duty and become a 31B, military police officer. I went to training for that in July 2009, and then got stationed in Ansbach, Germany, in October 2009. I worked to road, as a patrol cop, partied, and met the love of my life, Brandon Michael Hetherton. He was an NCO in my unit, that happened to live across the hall from my barracks room. You've already read how we met, so we will skip that part. I got pregnant on January 17, 2010 from the love of my life. We were already talking marriage, so we just moved our wedding date up 5 months. Initially we were going to get hitched in December 2010, but we did it in July. We've been together as of this date today a year and 8 months, (almost 9) and we've been married over a year. Our anniversary for dating is November 14, 2009 and our wedding one is July 15, 2010. We are happy and we have an amazing life.

         I have a 9 month old daughter (10 in a week) named Makenna Sue Hetherton. I absolutely love her name! I think that it is creative and fun, and I have even spelled it differently than how other people do. Most spell it McKenna or MacKenna. Either way, her name only has one capital letter in it, and no C. Dare to be daring! LOL! We almost named her Cyrus Aleena Sue Hetherton. (2 middle names), but that name was cute, but she didn't feel like a Cyrus, and after knowing there are 2 scary murder creepy movies out with a killer name Cyrus, kind of glad we didn't! LOL!!  I still like the name though, but I LOVE Makenna's name. We call her Kenna most of the time, but her Daddy calls her Munkee! (Yes, I spelled monkey wrong for a reason) We made her a stuffed monkey that had her Dad's voice recorded in it for the deployment, and we had to name it, so we decided on Munkee, and instead of keeping the spelling the same, we made our own up. It came from build-a-bear workshop, so it has a birth certificate and everything. Makenna does many many many things, and she is currently exploring the walking stage. She is very smart and has always been very advanced for her age.
 

          I have a step-son named Chance Alexander Edward Hetherton. He is 9 years old. Yes, he was born when I was 11, almost 12. I didn't know Brandon back then though, so it's not weird or anything. He currently resides with his mother in Nevada for now, until we move back to the states, then he will be living with us, like it should be. He should be with his Daddy, Sister, and me. Plus there are many details about his mother that I won't exploit on the internet, for reasons why he should be living with us. Moving on.... He is a great kid, very smart, and handsome.  I love him like he is my own, and always will. I know we will hit the point in our relationship where he is going to play the "ur not my mother" card, and I say bring it on! I love him regardless, and he will know that eventually, it may just take time, a lot of time. Brandon was 17, almost 18 when Chance was born, his mother was 16. Brandon dropped out of high school and got a job and took full responsibility for his actions, or lack of actions (no condom) and has always tried to be the best father to him, even though we live 10,000 miles away in Germany. Brandon truly loves his kids with all his heart, and they are his world! I am still getting to know Chance, and I am adjusting to being a step mom. I hate that I don't get a say at all, but I'm learning to deal with that. Regardless of who's eggs he's made out of, he is an equal member in my house!

Kitchen

Balcony

Full Bathroom

Kenna's room

love seat in living room

TV wall in living room

          My house. I live in a tri-plex style home in Germany. It's kind of like a duplex, but it has 3. It's really nice for being a German home! I love it! I can't wait to get back to it. I hated how it took me being away from my house to realize how much I love it! But that's part of the learning process in life, and I have learned my lesson for sure!  It's pretty cool. I am still decorating, because its ungodly expensive, so little by little, we are getting it to where we want it. Plus, I'm not doing any painting or anything since we are moving in less than 2 years, about a year and 6.5 months from now actually! So it'll never be totally the way I want it, but its still nice! All the pics are from when we first moved in, so the bathroom isn't still empty, Kenna's room has more too it now, and the living room has been modified a bit too. But you get the idea!

chair in living room

 
           I like to sew and scrapbook, but that is currently an expensive hobby that I have had to put on hold due to finances. I have tons of scrap booking stuff, but no pictures printed out. I really need to get prints as soon as we get some extra money! My plan is to make Makenna a scrap book, well all of our kids, a scrapbook of themselves over the last year. I have everything to make Makenna's but no prints. I need to do that when I get back to Germany, so I can get her book done before her actual birthday in October. We are doing her party about 3.5 weeks early, so Brandon can be there!

           I was thinking about doing some crafts for extra money. I have noticed that people in housing on post have problems getting curtains to fit the windows. Germans have their curtains hung from their ceiling on a track. Since I can sew, and I could make any kind of curtains they wanted, any style, and material, I thought I could go into a business doing that. Maybe do my friend's houses for just the cost of the material, and then they can show it off to their friends and I could make curtains! I think that it would be fun, and that is an easy enough project to do after Kenna goes to bed for the night. I want to make curtains for my house anyways. I like mine, but I want better ones, longer ones, since the curtain rod track is almost 12 feet high! I could get creative too. My living room is done in zebra print, my favorite, and navy blue. So I could in cooperate the zebra print into the curtains somehow. Now I've got my self thinking! LOL!!!

          I have always worked. I started baby sitting at like the age of 9, and at the age of 14 I got a job cleaning kennels and doing some other odd and ends stuff, while still baby sitting. When I was 16 I worked at various fast food restaurants. I moved around quite a bit, so I had to get a new job quite a bit too. I also did some under the table gigs too, just to make ends meat. That is the reason why I joined the Army, I got tired of struggling! I hated working just to survive, I wanted to work to not only survive, but to have fun. I wanted to make something of myself too! Once I joined the Army, and moved to Germany, I had a disposable income! I had no responsibilities what so ever! A couple minor credit cards, and a cell phone, and internet bill, but that was it! It was amazing! I don't live like that anymore. I do not work, and I have a husband and kids now, and I miss that, and hopefully soon, when I get a job, get us out of debt, we can go back to having a more leisure-filled income, not completely disposable, but better than what we have now! I want to travel more too and that cost money, lots of it! Plus we are going to need more money in savings for when we get back to the states for good.

           Moving Plans: Brandon is getting a job set up for him to go to after we get back to the states, and we are looking at houses, but in the mean time while we look, we will rent a little apartment. We are going to rent an apartment because we don't want to rush our house buying. We want to move into a house that we want to keep forever, we don't want a ''starter home''. When we buy our house, we want to keep that house and never move again! Brandon and I have both moved around too much in our lives, we are tired of it, and are ready to settle in! So, taking a few months to really look at a house, and make sure we want it, is smart. We may spend more money because we will have to pay for an apartment, but it'll be worth it, knowing we truly got the house of our dreams! We are still planning to move to Florida. Going to the sunshine state. I really am not a fan of the heat, I love winters, but Brandon wants out of the snow, so we are moving. We have both agreed. It's not just because Brandon says he wants to live there either. He was willing to live in Michigan if I wanted too, and I said no way, we then decided maybe Nevada, now we have pretty much settled in on Florida. We haven't wanted to change our minds about that one! I am so excited!

          But that is a ton of information about me. Let me know about you, my readers! Going to try to sleep now. I am tired, after a failed attempt to fall asleep, and blogging for almost 2 hours, it is time to hit the sack! Good night!!!

91 Done and Gone.....

          So I found out today that my best friend in Germany, her husband just left to go join the rest of our guys in Afghan-land. I feel so bad. They let him stay behind while she was pregnant, about to deliver their twins, and now that the babies are born, but not even 2 months old, they sent him away for the remainder of the deployment. I was hoping that they would just keep putting it off, and then saying "fuck it, he don't need to go now" but they didn't! I feel so bad for her! He just left, and when Brandon first left I was a mess and I only have one child, she has a 6 year old and twins that aren't even 2 months old! I can't wait to get back to Germany to help her out and give her a shoulder to cry on or a break, time to herself, so she can cope. I had time to myself at night after Makenna went to bed, to help and cry out loud to myself, and it really made me feel so much better!

          But we are in our 90's counting how many days gone. It sometimes feels like "wow, that much time has gone" and most times it feels like "we are only in the 90's when I need to be in the 300's! FML!!!" I guess I am having both feelings at one time right now. I hope this week is a good week and things go good for my last week in the states. Tomorrow I am going to my mother's house to go swimming in her pool in the late morning and early afternoon. Then back to where I'm staying for the afternoon. Then when the evening comes around I am going to my sister's house for dinner and ice cream. It'll be a good time.

          So I am watching this show called "Dance Mom's", I think. It is about these little kids that are like 7 years old being put through dance hell. They make them wear tons of make up, and wear sexy costumes, and it is even previewing for another episode where the dance teacher has the dancers in a dance move where they lay on their stomach and stretch there legs around and over their head. She has rose stems with thorns on them so that they can learn not rest their chin on the grounds! I would be damned if they ever did that for my kid! I'd call the cops and get my child the fuck out of there!!!!

     

Need to get a job!

Makenna and I at the beach!

          Financially, I am ok. We have enough money to pay our bills and have some left over, but not tons. The Army pay is crap, and we were doing great when I was in the Army, bringing in some money. I am starting to apply for jobs for when I get back home, but they need a copy of my DD-214, proof of military discharge, in order to finish them! I don't want to start working until after Brandon's R & R because I don't want to have to go to work when he is home! I will start bringing in some money for going to school starting in September, but that still isn't a whole lot. I think that if I go to school full-time, and get a job, we could get out of debt so much faster! Then I could put tons of money away in the savings account for when we get out of the Army and buy our house. I am going to need to fill it up! LOL! I think getting a job will make me feel better too! I will put Kenna in daycare while I work (not ideal, but need too) and work! I can do it. School, work, and a Mommy, I got this! LOL!!!

          I put a picture of Makenna and I at the beach from last week! We had a good time! She is getting so big! I have decided that Makenna will know who her Daddy is when he gets home! She will remember! I am the one person in the world who knows my daughter the best, and I think she will!!!!! Anyways! Nothing else is really going on. Excited to get home! LOL!

Quotes

          After fiddling and finally figuring out the job application website, I realized that I can't finish any application at all until I scan my DD-214 form and send that with it. The DD-214 form is the most important piece of paper ever. It is my proof I was honorably discharged from the Army and it is a pain in the ass to get another copy of it, so I have a few copies stored away in a very safe place. But as soon as I get home, I'll scan it onto the computer and finish up all the applications and send them off!!! WOOT!!! WOOT!!! Now to tell my husband, who does NOT want me to work! UGGG!!!! Maybe I'll just wait until I know for sure I have a job, and get Makenna's daycare situation worked out before I tell him. I may even work there for a couple weeks to make sure I like it, just in case I don't, I make up a really good lie until I find another job! LOL!!! I hope I get a good job though!!! 
          But anyways, I decided to stay up for a couple hours to have some time to myself and to really think, and possibly see if Brandon gets online. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to talk to him SUPER DUPER BAD!!!! I decided to google Army wife quotes and stuff like that, and stumbled across a few. Now I don't want to get some plagerism accusations against me, so let me say right now, I do NOT know who is the original author is, and I did NOT write any of these myself! So here are a few that I liked a lot!


1. "I wish that you were here, but you're not here, you're there and there doesn't know how lucky it is."


2.."Distance isn't for the fearful, it's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love"


3. "We only part to meet again!"


4. "A part of you has grown in me. And so you see, it's you and me together forever and never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart."


5. "Even though it's one day further from when you saw each other last, it's one day closer to the next time you will."


6. "Where is the good in goodbye?"


7. "The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected."


8. "The thought of being with you tomorrow gives me the strength to go on today."


9. "Next Deployment always comes too soon. Love like he deploys tomorrow."


10. "You don't know, but I'm the girl with a million things to say, but not one will come out without the thought of him."


          Those are just a few of my favorite ones that I skimmed over! There are tons more that are great though and they truly are pick-me-ups! ♥LML♥LMF♥

Everything is Temporary

          I am so excited to get back home. Michigan has been great, though I think I have stayed too long, but I just remember that everything is temporary and it will be a while before I am ever back in Michigan. I am talking years. I really just don't want to be in Michigan and I definitely don't want to live in Michigan. I am ready to be home, wait a month or so and get my husband back for a couple weeks! Then have him leave again, and then when he gets home we will be preparing for the move into our own house that we are buying and getting into the swing of our lives! I guess I am just really excited for February 2013 to come and we leave Germany!
          I think that Makenna has forgotten who Daddy is but then again I don't. I think that she won't be thinking "wow, that's Daddy!" but I think she will be thinking, "Wow, he looks familiar!" She may not know who exactly he is, but I don't think it will be too long where she is back to the forget about Mommy, I got my Daddy again. As much as it made me a little jealous, it was so cute and I can't wait to have that back! I really loved the fact that Makenna was a Daddy's girl before he left, and I hope, after he gets home, that she goes back to that! The only boy she is aloud to love! LOL!!!!! I wish!
          So I have to go through everything I have, try on clothes and what not, because whatever is too big for me I am not taking with me. I am downsizing because I am keeping all of Makenna's clothes just in case we have another girl in the future. No sense in wasting super cute clothes. Plus Makenna has so many clothes that she hardly wears each outfit! I love variety, so I get her tons of clothes! She's a little girl, it's in our nature! But I honestly think I would do it for a boy too! I just hate seeing the same stuff on the same baby all the time! I know kids grow out of clothes fast and it's expensive, but it is totally worth it!
          I began writing today's entry a little frustrated, but I feel better. Makenna got woken up, but then after a few minutes of play time, and Mommy crying and throwing up, she is back in bed! I am so frustrated, I think the most that Brandon told me 3 days ago that he was going to be online tomorrow (2 days ago) and he hasn't been online! I have been sitting by the computer for 2 days straight waiting for him to get on! I know he is busy, but if I miss him online he won't call me! I am going to tell him that bothers me the next time I talk to him. I hate how if I miss him on the computer he won't call me! I pay to have this stupid cell phone here in the states and he hasn't called me more than twice on the damn thing! I wouldn't of gotten it had I known he would never call me on it!!!!
          I feel like I haven't been my 100 percent parent like I am in Germany. I am still up in the air about getting a job, which, we could use the money for savings and getting out of debt faster so we can save more! I think I will, but I really don't want too, but if it will help my family out, then I'll do anything! I am just having a little bit of a hard time getting the website application stuff to work! I think I will go and try to figure it out!

OMG!!! He seen!

          So I didn't get to talk to my husband on our anniversary and that was partially Brandon's fault. He thought that Saturday was the 15th, not Friday, so when he finally realized that he had his dates messed up, it was too late to call, so he called me Saturday. Well he got online on Saturday, and then we got on skype! It was so amazing to talk to him. I got to show him the pictures too!!! My plan totally worked! He loved them, he couldn't stop smiling! Makes me feel good that he really liked them and it also made me feel better that he didn't even guess that I would do something like that for him! I will post a couple of the pics that are a little less skimpy! I loved them too! She did a couple with my daughter and I, so I want to print them out, and put them in her bedroom! Moving on. I really thought that Brandon was using the excuse that he is in Afghanistan to not do anything for me for our anniversary, and yes, I understand its hard, but I think that he was almost taking advantage of that fact. Then of course, he comes up with this fabulous idea to go to Italy for a few days when he is on R & R for our anniversary! I really felt like the biggest ass ever for assuming that Brandon didn't think about me and doing something for me for our anniversary! I think I'll keep him! LOL! So, at the beginning of September I am going to Italy for a few days! I really can't wait to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa! We are going to have so much fun, I hope Makenna enjoys it too! She'll be 11 months old by then, so big enough to not just laze around and I can get some amazing pictures too! I love my life and my amazing husband!
           I really just want to give a shout out to him! He allows me not to work, and stay at home with our beautiful daughter so I too, don't have to miss any part of her growth and development! I am also so thankful that he pretty much gets me whatever I want, if we are financially ok, he lets me buy whatever I want without saying anything! Gosh, I love this man. I wish that everyone I love could find an amazing person like I have that gives me what I need and most of what I want! He truly is one in a million! I am the luckiest woman in the world!!
          Hopefully I get to talk to him in the morning. He facebooked me today saying that he only has a second, so of course I didn't get to talk to him, and that he will be on tomorrow so we can talk! I love talking to him and he makes me feel better.
          My friend is mad at me. We are on a softball team together, and I get told about all the games and such last minute, and I have to coordinate a baby sitter. I don't want to ask her Mom because she has her son a lot, because she works, and I know she gets tired out. My Aunt just started a new job a few days ago, so I lost my sitter. So I couldn't play at the game tonight. They found an alternate to play, so it really is no big deal. Plus, I really don't have that much fun playing. I know a lot of it is missing my home and Brandon, but it's just not like it was when I played when I was a kid! I think it also was that when I was a kid, I played with all my friends that I know and grew up with. IDK. Her brother is really mean to me all the time too, and it just is really annoying. He makes all these comments, and yes I can ignore them, but after like 12 years of ignoring them, it gets old, and I just don't want to be around that. It isn't worth it too me. Why go if I can't even have a good time? Plus I got to nap while Makenna napped, and I really needed that nap. I had a really bad migraine and I think that contributed to me not wanting to play tonight either. All well., can't dwell on the past.



          Makenna is in bed for the night! She was FIGHTING her sleep so bad, and that was an understatement for sure! Tomorrow is going to be super hot again, so we are going to be house bound again in the air conditioning! So I am going to spend the day getting everything around to go home! I have a couple packages to mail to myself, but I am hoping since I have lost more weight, that I will be able to get rid of some of the clothes that were given to me, and are now too big, and condense it all down to 1 box! Then I am taking three suitcases, one duffle bag, and 2 carry-on's on the plane, along with a car seat and stroller! Too easy! I really hate travelling, but it'll be worth it to get home, back on schedule, and I can hit the gym hard core for the month before Brandon gets home, so I look HOT HOT HOT!!! for him! Almost to my goal weight and you would think that I would feel better about myself, and yes sometimes I do, but I really don't most of the time. I put on an act, and I think that I have mastered it to my loved ones, but I still feel like I look gross and disgusting! Makes me mad though, that I have lost almost 20 pounds and that isn't enough for me to feel completely good about myself! HATE THIS!!! I really want to scream and shout and yell because it seems like nothing I do is good enough for myself! I swear I judge myself to harshly, and I know I do, but I can't stop!!! Definitely going to counseling! I think that I am depressed slightly, and I need some good self-esteem booster action too! I hope boxing helps with that! I think that it would be a great help it will help me get some anxiety and tension out! I'll feel better and if I feel better, Makenna feels ultra good! Which, I am not saying she isn't happy, because I know she is, but still!

Our Anniversary Day PT. 2

          So it's a few minute shy of 8pm on Brandon and I's first anniversary. No I did not get to talk to him today and no he hasn't gotten to see his present yet, so nothing really exciting to talk about. I am really disappointed though, but I figured that it would be like this. I can't expect him to be able to call, the Army don't care that it's our anniversary. Maybe tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever he can. Like I said, I was not having any expectations for today because of the disappointing factors that come with it. But deep down inside, I was really hoping and wanting a call or something. I can't expect him to get me anything for our anniversary because he is in Afghanistan, but it would of been nice for him to send me an e-card or get online and order me some flowers. All well. I just think that he is busy, and that stuff never really crossed his mind. So I guess I lied, I did expect something out of this day, did my hair and make up, and got nothing. Mother's Day was the same way to because he was gone. Maybe I feel like that he is using the excuse that he is gone to not have to do anything because I don't expect it. I don't know. Frustrates me a little bit. I see all the time that guys that are deployed with him are sending their spouses flowers and stuff. I really want something, but I don't ask for it. If I had asked for it, I know that I really wouldn't want it then. I hope next year is better. I really love Brandon though and we have survived a year of marriage and almost 2 years of being together. We have been through a lot with our careers and having a baby, moving a lot too. Separation has been hard on us, but we are getting through it!

Our Anniversary Day. PT 1

          After staying up until after 3 am, Brandon did NOT get online. I logged onto his facebook and he hasn't been on in days! This sucks! I see that other people that are deployed with him are able to use the internet, so I know nothing is wrong. Makenna, however, decided to get up at 8 am, sleep again till 9, and then fell asleep again until after 11 am. She has never done that before, so I think that her teeth are going to be coming in soon. All well, it gave me an opportunity to sleep a little bit more. Then my cell phone texts me and tells me I forgot to pay my bill, so my service was interrupted. So after trying to pay it over the phone, online and then over the phone again, and going through a verification process because my debit card goes to a bank that is in Germany, my phone is back on, and was only off for about an hour. I was going to be really angry, but it all worked out. I think because yesterday was one of those days, where it felt like everything was going wrong, so today, things are going to go right, hopefully, and it's mine and my husband's anniversary! I have decided that today is going to be a good day, nothing is going to change that, not even my daughter who wants to get into everything on purpose because she knows that she isn't suppose to. Right now she is in time-out in the pack and play, and I am blogging to de-stress (if that's a word), and move on to my amazing day that I plan on having! I have no expectations, which means, I have no let downs ahead for me! I will however, be disappointed if I can't talk to Brandon today, but that's the Army and that's our lifestyle, I guess. Well, that's what I tell myself to get me through the days!
          He still hasn't seen the pictures yet, so details will have to wait. Moving on. I slept pretty well last night, so I got up and and did my hair and make up. It's a festive day, so why not?

WOOT WOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          My anniversary gifts came today! I am so excited! It's on a CD, but I am emailing them to him. They are pictures of me. I will explain more after he see's them. Since my anniversary is tomorrow, I am pretty excited for him to be able to see them hopefully tomorrow. I am staying up tonight to see if he gets online! I really hope he does! I am not doing anything for our anniversary though, so I think that I will make up for it next year and do something BIG for him/us! We will be together and what the heck, its our anniversary, why not?
          So I really need need need my husband to skype with me. The plan is this: I emailed all the pictures to Brandon and then I went into his email account and put them in a folder, because I am a sure that he won't even notice a new folder in his email. Then when I skype with him I will tell him to check it out and so I can see his reactions! Good plan, huh???? I hope it works!
          Tonight is going to be a short post. I really don't have much to say. I am staying up in hopes that my amazing husband gets on the internet sometime within the next couple of hours! Talk to ya soon!!!

John Ball Zoo in Michigan

Monkey from Zoo

          Today I took Makenna Sue to her first zoo. We went to the John Ball Zoo in Grand Rapids, Michigan, with my parents, my sister and her husband, and my 2 nephews and 2 nieces! It was 2 car fulls, but we had a blast. Makenna loved it too! She got a little antsy at time, but for the most part, she was an angel. She tried to kiss a baboon through the glass. My 9 month old baby girl loves monkeys! They are her favorites! So, I had to go the gift shop and buy her another monkey! It is perfect too! It is all camouflage. Picture to the right! Isn't it cute? I am going to have Brandon name it for us, since he couldn't be there to pick it out with me. We did however, bring Makenna's Daddy Doll with us so he wasn't left out at all! We try to include him as much as possible.

         

Me at 154 pounds, looking healthy!

          Another highlight of my day was skyping with my husband! It was so amazing after missing him a total number of 3 times, I finally got him! It felt so good. The only down fall was the friends mom, the person I am staying with while I am in Michigan, decided to tell my husband that I am starving myself. I was mad, but I can't be totally mad, because it is partially true. I am never hungry so I don't eat. Then when I do eat, I throw it up. Some of it is stress related, but I am a realist, some of it is my own anxieties and insecurities. I have been losing weight really well and I am actually starting to like my body and I am almost to my goal of losing 20 pounds. I really don't see a problem with it. I don't look nasty, too skinny. I weight 154 pounds and I am 5'8'' so that is good for me. Just 4 more pounds and some toning and I will be set to go! I am however, going to go to counseling for my anxiety when I get back home so that I don't get to the point where I am so sick and skinny, but I don't see myself getting that bad. (famous last words, right?)
          But other than that, I had a pretty good day! I am counting the days to go home, about 20, and Makenna is getting huge too! She is walking with furniture and pulling herself up on it! Makes me wanna cry knowing that she is growing up so fast! I'll be on again soon. FYI: this blog really helps me get out some anger and frustrations I have and has really helped through this deployment!
       

We are in the 280's

          So on our countdown til the most amazing husband has reached almost half way through the 280's! That is so amazing! I remember when we first started and even when it was 299 days to go! Time is flying sometimes. I had a serious break down yesterday night, at like 1am. I just cried, shook, and puked. I just lost it! I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Let me explain why.
          I have always had a job. When I was like 10 I started to baby sit, continued to throughout my teenage years. When I was 14, I cleaned dog kennels for a while and then when I turned 16, I got my first legit job, one where the government rapes me in taxes! I worked at a McDonald's. I also worked at a Wendy's, Burger King, another McDonald's, and did various side gigs! I have had to take care of myself, and I have worked hard doing it. When I was 17 I joined the Army, and spend the summer break between my Junior and Senior year at basic training. As soon as I graduated, I left for more training and then moved to Germany working active duty as a Military Police Officer in the Army. After I got pregnant, my husband and I made the decision to have me get out of the Army because with both of us working more than 18 hour days and being gone all the time, it wasn't possible to raise a child. I got out of the Army and have been unemployed for almost a year now, and I am going insane! But my husband doesn't want me to work at all! He wants me to focus on school and Makenna. As much as I love my daughter and I cherish every moment I have with her, I think that it would be good social development for her to go to a great daycare and me to get a job. I want to work so bad! I spend everyday in my house! I hate it! I have no life anymore and 2 friends! That's it, in Germany! I am going crazy! I spend my days cleaning the house, raising Makenna, doing homework, and being bored. I have things to do for activities, but still, I need something out of the house. I will be going back to the gym and doing boxing with my friend Alicia, but Makenna will be there! I don't want a break from her though. That's the other hard place on top of my husband totally against me working! I took her to my Mom's house today, where she was totally in good hands, because I had a softball game, and I was gone 2 hours and was distracted the whole time! I couldn't stop thinking about her. I think what I feel is that since Brandon is gone, and if Makenna is gone too, then I am alone, without anyone! I NEED my family! I LOVE my family! Now I need to explain to my husband why it is important for me to get a job and time to myself before I go insane!

          Now its about quarter to 2 am., and I am staying awake in hopes that Brandon gets online. I missed him last night because of my total breakdown, and I missed him this morning, because I assumed that because it was after midnight his time, he would be in bed, and he ended up getting online as soon as I turned off my computer! I was so angry and frustrated!!! Now I am hoping that he gets online. He sent me a FB message saying he will try to get online in the late morning his time, and it is about 10:18 am there. Who knows though! I am way tired and I want to go to bed, but I REALLY want to talk to my husband! We'll see!
          I am taking Makenna to the zoo tomorrow. It is going to be fun. My parents are taking us and the other 4 grand children too! This will be Makenna' first time to the zoo outside the womb. I went to the zoo twice when I was pregnant, one time in Michigan, and the other time in Germany. I had fun, but I think that this time will be more fun! YEAH!!!! Super excited!
          I don't know how much longer I can keep my eyes open, so I am going to go try to stay awake for a little bit longer to see if he gets online! Up date you later!









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KIA

          So, yesterday I found out that on July 05, 2011, 3 Soldiers were killed in action from and IED on the side of the road. They died from the injuries sustained from the blast. They past before any sort of medical attention could be given to them. They were in my husband's unit, separate platoons, and luckily my husband wasn't anywhere near the blast. That sounds super selfish, and I feel horrible that these innocent people died fighting for our country and I am so grateful for their sacrifice, but I am so relieved it wasn't Brandon! So after I stayed up practically the whole night because I was worried that it could of been Brandon and I just really wanted to hear his voice and to tell me he is ok, I finally fell asleep! But after that horrible night, I did wake up to a facebook message from Brandon saying "I love you! Get online!" Luckily my phone sends me updates from facebook and I jumped up and logged onto my computer. We facebook chatted for a minute and then we skyped. It was so nice to talk to him and he wasn't rushed at all. Makenna, our daughter, wasn't really interested in him at all. I think that she is forgetting who he is. She says "Dadda" still, but she doesn't react the same to him talking and his picture, like she did when he first left. Makes me sad, and I don't tell Brandon that she is forgetting you, because I don't want to upset him. So I just tell him she is teething really bad, that's all. He says ok and we move on. I think that its going to take a little bit for her to get back use to him, but he left when she was only 6 months old, she is 9 months now, and he will be home for R & R soon, and then home for good when she is almost 19 months old. That's a long time and for someone that young, its a really long time. I read online that babies don't really start remembering faces unless they are around them all the time, until about 9 months old. I see that this study is true. Makenna knows the people she see's on a daily basis, but other's she is still kind of weary about. She is getting better, but back when she was 6 months old it was like she had never met someone before, when she has. IDK! I wish there was more I could do. I show her his picture, she has a monkey (her favorite animal) with his voice recorded in it, she has a Daddy doll, which is a doll that is her Daddy. I remember back on Memorial Day weekend, we went to a support the troops event here in Michigan, and she seen a man in uniform and she was trying so hard to get him. She wanted him so bad. She threw a fit and everything. She cried and all I wanted to do was cry too. Made me super sad to see that I couldn't give her the one thing she wanted, her Daddy!
           So I have been so sick lately. I don't eat and I am constantly throwing up. I seriously think that it is becoming a problem, and I don't know what to do. I know its my stress levels and it makes it really hard for me to keep food down, or even get hungry, so I do eat. I am to the point where I am losing a lot of weight because I am not eating or keeping food down. I have to force myself to eat something or I could seriously go days without eating. I don't want people to think that I am being bulimic or something, I just can't help it. My friend's mom is really concerned and forces me to eat, she gives me zantag to help, but most of the time it don't. I feel way better after I throw up though. It's weird. I have always loved food! Never ever ever! had this issue before. This deployment is really wearing me down! My body is sore and everything! When I get back home I am going to go see the doctor!
          Speaking of throwing up, I feel it coming on! Got to go!

295 days to go!

          So 295 days to go, may not look like a big accomplishment, but I feel it is! We started at 365 days, or close to that, and we are cutting the days out! It's an amazing feeling! But I am going to be honest, I am one paranoid wife! I am the kind of wife, that doesn't care if he talks to other woman, or jokes around with them. I get jealous but I trust him and I know he is coming home to me, so it doesn't really get to me. I let him go to the bar on his guys nights out, even on stripper nights! I just don't care. But there is this girl that he is deployed with and I think that she has a crush on him. She has 87 pictures up of the deployment on facebook (which is not set to private) and 11 of them are of Brandon! Yeah, 11! Plus she has all these semi-flirty captions for them! I really don't think I would care if he was home or just gone for a couple weeks. Then he was facebook chatting with another girl he is deployed with. I know this girl and I don't think that she would ever pursue my man because she knows I would kill her, but it still bothers me now. I wish it didn't and I know it's only because he is gone and they get to be around him and not me! I am so tired of being "that" wife, where it bothers me! I am driving myself insane with my own insanity, if that is even possible! GGGGRRRRR!!!!!!! Pictures above!!!
         
         Moving on. I am so ready to go back to Germany. I just ordered the cutest luggage set because my luggage broke on my way to the states! It was old and hand-me-downs anyways, and my new luggage is amazing! I don't know if I have told ya'll but I am the biggest fan of zebra print! Here's the link to it, it won't let me save a picture! http://www.walmart.com/ip/4-pc.-Luggage-Set-Zebra/13425124    It's is amazing! Can't really beat the price! I love Walmart! One major thing I miss about America is Walmart. We could save so much money if we could get groceries, diapers, wipes, etc. from Walmart. There clothes are okay, not a big cloth shopper there, but I do look because occasionally they will have a cute shirt or tank. I did get Brandon a pair of pants from there this weekend. See, your suppose to take one civilian outfit with you to Afghanistan, because when you go on R & R, you have to wear civilian clothes from the airport in Kuwait to your final destination in Germany. Brandon had gotten quite a bit of stuff because he is a big time "Gear-do" so he didn't want to have to carry and try to fit some clothes, so I am sending him an outfit, and by time I get back to Germany, to mail him some of his clothes, he may not get them in time because of the slow ass mail system! Yes, he will be home that soon! I can't say when, but ya'll will know! I will be shouting it from my roof top in Germany, and even the devil down in hell will hear me! LOL! I make myself laugh sometimes! I say if you can't laugh at yourself sometimes, whats the point of laughing at all!
          This blog entry is taking forever for me to type, but I was interrupted by my hubster who logged on to facebook and I got to chat with him for a whole entire 7 minutes! It was so amazing! I told him how I felt bad about thinking he might like someone else and he just laughed at me! He told me to cheer up and enjoy my last few weeks in the states and when I get back to Germany, life will be back to normal and I will be missing the states! Which will kick in a few weeks after being home. Love my house and if I were in the states, I really wouldn't have any complaints! Love my family, and they are all I need though! I'd live on the moon as long as I was with them!
          Now tomorrow I am going to mail 2 packages to my hubster, one containing enough junk food to feet an Army (pun) and the other with some movies I got that apparently were mine that I let my sister borrow before I moved to Germany almost 2 years ago, and the outfit for him to go on R & R with! Then I am going to go to work with my friend Kayla. She works as a life guard at this pool, so Kenna and I are going to soak up the sun tomorrow and swim our brains out! I just bought a new bathing suit too, so I am pretty excited!!!! I've lost 14 pounds and even though I am not done losing weight, it is a start, and I am starting to feel good about myself a little bit and more comfortable in a bathing suit!
          So I have the Disney channel playing in the background and then they started talking about the Grimm
Brother's stories, such as Hansel and Gretel. Then they started talking about the Black Forest, the forest that is in pretty much all of the stories. I did some googling, and it is only 2 hours from my house! So I think that we are going to take Makenna their, when Brandon is on R & R! It'll be fall time too, so some of the leaves will be beginning to change! I love the fall, my favorite season! My favorite month is October, and that was the month my beautiful angel was born in, so I love it all the more!!

Makenna Sue on the 4th of July 2011!

          I have noticed that I ramble a lot on here! LOL! My blog, I make the rules! LOL! But I think that I am done for now. Here's a pic of my princess for the 4th of July! Love my readers!